How do you deal with aggressive personalities?

By violating the laws of physics.

Isaac Newton’s third law of motion says that “for every force there is an equal and opposing force.” Indeed, our natural reaction to aggression is aggression. If someone insults us, we tend to respond with cutting remarks. If the person pushes us, our tendency is to push back. If the person launches a full out attack, we’ll fight with every ounce of our being. That’s human nature; it’s the way we’re wired.

Yet, these natural tendencies fly in the face of what we know works. Mahatma Gandhi showed us how powerful non-aggression is in diffusing aggression. In a similar vein, the philosophies behind Tai Chi and Akido, two martial arts disciplines, both require that students remain calm and unaffected emotionally by the aggression around them. As, Josh Waitzkin, a World Champion Push Hands Tai Chi Chuan master so eloquently puts it “If aggression meets empty space it tends to defeat itself.”

One of the keys is that the aggressive personality is expending huge amounts of energy while the non-aggressive personality expends virtually none. Given this reality is easy to see how aggression “defeats itself.”

So how do we overcome the natural tendency to lash out at those who become aggressive with us. Remind yourself that the cool head wins.

I recall one particularly vivid experience I had very early in my business. I was functioning as a part-time CFO for a client. The owners were involved in a wide array of businesses and kept adding more to the mix. The accounting function quickly became overwhelmed with the sheer volume of activity.

One day, two of the owners spent 45 minutes telling me how frustrated they were because they weren’t getting the information they needed to make informed decisions, what information they needed and how disappointed they were in me and my team’s performance.

It’s a wonder my lip didn’t bleed because I know I was biting down on it to avoid saying what I really felt. I allowed them to vent until they ran out of energy. Then I allowed a lengthy pause to make sure they were finished.

Finally, I said “You’re right. You should be getting this information. You do need it to make informed decisions, but if you recall I’ve been telling you for the past three months that we don’t have enough people and that the computer system is inadequate to handle the volume we’re experiencing. Until we get more resources, I’m afraid that your expectations aren’t going to be met.”

The two owners looked at one another then asked “What do we need to do, Dale?” From that moment forward I got exactly what I needed to meet their needs. My ability to keep a cool head in the face of a personal attack allowed me to win. Now when I find that I’m the focus of someone’s aggression, I call upon that experience to remind me that “the cool head prevails.”

It’s counter-intuitive, but allowing aggressors to defeat themselves is the only effective way of dealing with aggression. Once you’ve used this approach and achieved your desired result, you’ll have the strength of that experience to draw upon during future attacks. Once you develop this habit, you’ll consistently defeat those who target you with aggression.

The 7 Steps to Becoming INVALUABLE program is designed to help you see more effective ways of doing business – ways that dramatically improve your bottom line while making your life easier. In today’s blog I used Step 6, Eclectic Education, to draw from the laws of physics, the world of martial arts and India’s history to make my point. I also used Step 4, See Similarities, to relate the concepts from all these sources to both our natural tendencies as well as a business situation most of us have faced at one time or another. Finally, I used Step 5, Contrarian Mindset, to demonstrate that non-aggression is a counter-intuitive approach. For more information on the 7 Steps to Becoming INVALUABLE visit www.furtwengler.com/7steps.htm.

If you’d like to receive a weekly email reminder with a link to The Invaluable Leader blog or if you’d like me to address specific topics, please send me an email at dale@furtwengler.com. Please share your experience with our readers by posting a comment.

Good news – My latest book, Pricing for Profit, is going to be released 9.9.09 in the United States, Canada, U.K., Italy, France, Germany and the Netherlands.  Prepublication orders are being taken at amazon.com and barnesandnoble.com.  Enjoy!